Suffocating in Silence
by Sick Twisted Broken Soul
Summary: All Emma wants to do is be freed from this life she doesn't want to live. The town who sees her as an object thats sole duty is to give them what they desire. Parents who are disappointed in her. A woman who she is hopelessly in love with who is destined for another man. Death is what she seeks, but someone seems to always be in the way.


**A/N: So. Full disclosure? Emma is in a dark place, it's not a story with rainbows and sunshine. So yeah. Depressing is more accurate I think? (hello my name IS Sick Twisted Broken Soul... Should be sorta expected but. *shrug*) I hope you still give it a shot.**

**Also, I ain't the best writer. But I tried my best. Be constructive, tell me you don't like it, tell me you do. Just don't hate okay? I mean, again, tell me what you didn't like sure, but don't be an asshole. I was NOT the person who stole all your cookies okay? Now... your milk duds? Totally might have been me lol.**

Elbows on her knees, ass planted in the sand, Emma watched the ocean. The wind blowing against her. A storm was coming, and she couldn't care less. Tears dripped down her face. Or rather, sideways off her face thanks to the force of the wind.

As she sat there, moving her gaze up the sky. Looking up as rain started to pelt down at her. Emma couldn't help but wonder, would it be best if she just sat here all night through? Would it be best if she just laid down and allowed nature to take her. Clenching her eyes, and her fists. Emma knew the answer.

Savior. That was what the town called her. Dying, as much as she wished it, as much as she wished it since she was just a toddler, wasn't an option. Forced to continue on, forced to live a life where she would ever be happy. Emma wondered how long her facade would last before they noticed. Snorting the woman decided no one would ever notice.

No one ever had before, and these people thought she was some sort of true love magic packed chosen one to save them and give them their happy ending. When truly the only happy ending she cared about was Regina's, Henry's. And as much as she hated it Regina's happy ending was Robin.

While Emma's was Regina. An ending she had to give up for the one she loved. At first she had just liked her, crushed on her. However the night of the fire she knew deep down in her gut, somewhere along the way, she had fallen in love. Never before had she felt such a love. The object of her love not only loved another but was destined for them.

Not that Emma thought Regina could ever look at her with anything but annoyance and tolerance. Opening her eyes Emma shivered. Drenched all the way through. As she once more stared out at the crashing waves Emma was glad that she had left her gun at the office. Right now, right here she might have just eaten the bullet.

The thought was so appealing, dying, even though she knew she shouldn't. Emma stood up. Pulling her jacket off. Tossing it to the ground. Then she unzipped her jeans. Standing in the rain. Tank top and green lantern boxers. Slowly she walked towards the edge of the water.

Telling herself she would only go ankle deep. Ankle deep became knee deep. Soon she was waist deep. The current trying to pull her under. The waves crashing into her, nearly knocking her over. It made her feel alive. Freezing, so close to death, it made her feel alive. Made her feel good.

So much so that she didn't hear someone calling her name. Didn't hear them come running down the beach, no. She was too busy wishing she could take a few more steps, wishing that she could just continue walking until the ocean claimed the last of her miserable lonesome life. Then arms wrapped around her and was transporting her somewhere else.

"What were you thinking?" Hissed Regina as she dropped the woman into her own bedroom. The woman was dripping all over her carpet. Regina grabbed Emma, twisting her around to look her into the eyes. "Are you so stupid you didn't notice the giant fucking storm? Do you know how lucky you are to be alive?"

"Yeah" Emma put on her best fake grin. "Bad night for a swim." She knocked on her skull twice for effect. "No one home." She let out a long laugh. "So, uh, I'll go back to the beach. I'll grab my clothes and head home. Should be with my cell. In case. you know. Someone is in need of a dimwitted sheriff"

Now Emma was by no means an expert at magic. However, whenever she was in the same place as Regina it seemed to work. So she found herself landing at the beach by her clothes. Sure, she'd landed belly first rather than standing, but still. She'd escaped the no doubt horrible inquisition and lecture that Regina was about to start with.

Casting a longing glance at the waves the blonde let out a sigh. She grabbed her clothes and headed for the cruiser. Sadness in her eyes. All she wanted to do was escape, and no one here was going to let her do it. She had responsibilities, she was nothing more than a pet dog they used to serve their own purposes.

Three days where most of the town didn't dare to leave. The storm was bad, and showed no signs of breaking. However Emma couldn't stay locked up with her parents anymore. She was glad she'd taken Henry to his real home the morning after the whole Regina 'saving' her incident. Could be considered saving when Emma just wanted to die?

Sneaking out had always been easy, she waited for the right moment and slipped out. Figuring she'd either make it all the way to Regina's on foot, or she'd be shown mercy and die on the way their. Honestly Emma knew which she'd prefer. Natural causes would throw her a bone right? No one could judge her if nature itself killed her.

Nope. It took two hours and Emma was sure that the universe hated her. She was soaked all the way through, shivering, and bleeding from a glass that had been flying in the wind. Catching her leg hard enough to cut through her jeans. She banged on Regina's door.

"Get in here!" Shrieked Regina as she grabbed Emma by the collar of her blue leather jacket. "HENRY! Start running hot water, NOW" The boy raced up the stairs as Emma collapsed into Regina's arms.

Clothes and all Regina had dumped the ice cube that was her town's sheriff into the warm water. Emma awoke immediately. Hugging herself as she struggling to sit up. The shower spraying hot water down at her. Emma caught Regina's eyes and winced, the woman was livid.

"She's going to be okay? Right mom?" Henry asked worriedly from the doorway. Emma was scared if she looked at him Regina would do something horrible to her. And unfortunately, it wouldn't end with Emma's death.

"I need to get her warmed up. Why don't you go make some tea, and use your walkie to get ahold of her idiot parents. I don't need to rescue another brainless fool, or two, from my doorstep" Emma looked at the woman in shock. How she managed to be completely calm and insult at the same time was a skill Emma would never get used to.

Silently Emma sat under the hot spray of the water. Allowing it to re-drench her clothes, and begin to warm up. Skin, bone, everything warmed. She was normal temperature, but as Emma glanced at Regina who had come back. A set of warm pajamas in her hands. Emma knew her heart would never warm up. Without her she was nothing.

While she could see Regina's lips moving she couldn't hear anything. No. Her brain was too busy to hear. She just wanted to be let go. Wanting to stop the useless fighting. Emma just wanted to escape the shackles that destiny had thrust upon her wrists. She wanted to leave, wanted to run as far away as possible.

"Ow" Moaned out Emma. Regina had brought her out of her thoughts by smacking her across the face. It was effective, and painful. Of course Emma couldn't think of anything else to say beyond that. Regina turned off the water.

"As enjoyable as it is dear I would prefer not to be forced to slap you again" Emma sighed at the woman's tone. "Put these on. I'll be waiting on the other side of this door, and so help me if you are not fully dressed and standing in front of me in two minutes I am coming in and dressing you myself."

It was no idle threat. Regina stormed in two minutes later, and began to rip the lukewarm clothes off of Emma. All the blonde could do was stand, jaw slacked open. In all of a minute Emma was dressed in plaid sleep pants and a button up plaid sleep shirt. It was Emma's style, and she wondered why Regina had something like that. As it was too small to be Robin's.

Before Emma could make a sound Regina had her hand around hers, effectively shutting the blonde up. Silently Emma allowed the woman to drag her out of the bathroom and into the hallway. Her sock covered feet slipping against the wood. Henry appeared in a doorway, a worried look on his face.

Blinking Emma watched as Henry grabbed her free hand and tugged hard on her. Feeling a sense of loss as the older women let go of her other hand. Their son pulled her into the room, and practically shoved her onto the bed. The guest bedroom. Henry shoved a mug in her face. Tea. She sipped at the hot liquid. It burned it's way down her throat, but she didn't care.

"Drink it all!" Henry exclaimed. "It will help you get all better, and Grandma and Grandpa are okay. They say stay here until it clears a bit. I promised mom and I would take care of you!" Emma handed back the empty cup as he finished. He did tell her to drink it all after all.

"Alright young man it's time for bed." Henry opened his mouth to protest. "You still get to stay up until ten tonight. So you have an hour left, however, Sheriff Swan does not." Regina pulled back the blankets on the opposite side of the bed. "So say goodnight."

"Awww" Whined Henry. A pout on his lips. Not wanting to be on Regina's bad side anymore than she already was she crawled under the covers. Blinking in confusion as the mother of her son tucked her in gently. "Can I read her a story!? You always read to me when I get sick"

"Fine. However no fairy tales. I do believe that those would only prove detrimental to her health at this point. Something short, I know you, and you would gladly bring in an entire encyclopedia if I allowed it" With that Regina sat into a chair by the bed.

Grinning the boy ran out of the room. Jumping up onto the bed to sit next to Emma a book in his hand. He read the book aloud, and Emma listened. When he was was finished he closed the book, and Regina told him to head off downstairs. Emma stared at the ceiling. Waiting for Regina to leave.

"Are you going to sit there all night? I would think you had better things to do" Commented the blonde when the silence became too much for her to handle. She shivered. Not daring to turn her gaze towards the other woman, who she had doubt was glaring at her like she was Snow mother fucking White.

"Not even a week ago I found you had decided to swim at the beginning of a storm. It's not even summer. I allowed you to go, thinking perhaps you were just being especially stupid. Now it's become a pattern. Do you know how lucky you are to have survived?" Regina said as she crossed her legs. Hands folded in her lap.

What Emma wanted to say was that she wasn't lucky at all. That all she wanted from this town, from magic, from her stupid parents, was for them to all release her. From life, or at the very least let her get the fuck away so she could drown her sorrows. That the pain of knowing Regina could never love her was just the final nail in her coffin. Even without it she was barely alive, but with it. She just couldn't deal. However, she could voice none of it.

"Yeah. Lucky" She finally breathed out. Nothing was ever going to change. This was her life now. As far as Emma was concerned the town was her prison. And this time she had been given a life sentence without parole.

With that Regina left the room. Turning off the lights and wishing Emma sweet dreams before she closed the door behind her. On the opposite end of the door she placed a hand against the wood. Wondering what was wrong with her sheriff. Wishing she knew how to fix it, how to save the savior.

As dawn approached the winds stopped, and the rain halted. At noon Emma crawled her way out of the bed, putting on her laundered clothes. Lacing up her boots. She snuck away to her job. Where everyone yelled at her and demanded she 'save' them from storms and the damages and the like.

Another day in hell is what Emma thought of it. Dusk came and Emma smiled as Ruby left. Then she pulled out a bottle of whiskey and began to drink from the bottle. Letting the alcohol cloud her judgement. Letting it take all the pain away. Drowning herself best she could until she passed out.

"Welcome back to the living." Drawled Regina with an arched brow. She was holding the empty bottle of whiskey as if it were poison. "Drinking on the job? I would assume as Sheriff you would have had the intelligence to hide the evidence. It seems I assumed wrong."

"Technically I'm on call after nine every night so" Emma shrugged. "I guess by that standard I could never drink. Or Ruby. So. I guess it should be fine since i am off the clock from nine to five am."

"Yes. You should be fine during those hours, if nothing happened where we needed our Sheriff. Or perhaps had you done it at the bar, or even in that hovel you call an apartment. However, you got drunk at the station. Slept here too it looks like" While her voice was calm the blonde knew she was livid.

Crunching her teeth together Emma glared at the woman. The woman that she just wanted to jump up, wrap her arms around and kiss. Every night she dreamt of her, and every morning she woke up knowing that she'd never have. Regina could never love her. But if she could, she'd spend her entire life on her knees worshiping her.

Giving up Emma sighed, and lowered her gaze. While she always missed Regina when she wasn't near it was better if they were apart. She didn't need to continually make the woman who hated her take care of her. Scowling at her desk the blonde added another check mark into the 'why I should be dead' list that resided in her brain.

"Wow. You reek man" Ruby said as she crinkled her nose and entered the room. Two coffee's from the diner. "Granny sent breakfast since she needed my help this morning, but you need to shower. Booze and sweat do not mingle well" She pinched her nose.

Taking this as her escape from the mayor Emma jumped up, causing the room to spin. The object of her desire steadied her, then she raced off. Ignoring the pounding in her head. She jumped under the spray of the shower in the bathroom in her clothes. It seems she'd be stuck in her uniform for the day. Oh joy.

All she had inside of her anymore was pain, she hurt so bad inside she just couldn't fathom another day, let alone another thirty or so years trapped in this town. Suffocating, dying on the inside. It didn't matter. No one cared about the Savior, no one ever had. All they cared about was themselves. What she could do for them. That was her sentence. Drowning without ever being able to experience of death.

As the day passed she mostly just went through the motions. Smiling when appropriate, laughing after a joke, acting perfect. On the outside she portrayed a mask that no one could see through, on the inside she was crumbling. Soon she wondered if anything of herself would be left. Wondered if, in the end, she would be nothing more than a robot.

Once Emma would have sworn she was her own person. Sworn she had a little thing called free will. Now, even though she'd been all over, she knew she was never going anywhere again. Not by land, sea, or flight. The battle had been lost, she was a glorified prisoner. It seemed like so long ago that she had been free.

Standing alone at a mountain of bullshit, falsehood, half-truths and trickery. All her life she'd jumped from place to place, always searching for something. For someone to love. For family. For a life she could choose, a life she could enjoy and be proud of. She'd found one of those things, but not in the way she had hoped.

Like a siren's song the bottle called to her, so she crept down the stairs and pulled out the bottle of whiskey from under the sink. Then slunk back up the stairs. Wincing as she heard a giggle emanating from the people who claimed her as their daughter's bed. They got their happy ending, and all she got was a cold bed and a bottle of whiskey.

Empty bottle clutched in one hand Emma woke up to someone tossing water onto her face. Memories of the night hazy. How she had ended up in her closet she didn't know, but she knew why she was in there. She'd probably had nightmares of the past, and went the only place in the house that seemed safe.

Not that she thought anywhere in the whole damn shithole of a town was safe. But. Closets were good for hiding. With a groan she stood up. Leaning heavily against the door frame as Snow gave her this disappointed, disapproving, glare. Arms crossed and everything. Emma briefly wondered what it would feel like to smash the bottle over her head and then make a run for the border.

"Do I even want to know why you drank an entire bottle of alcohol? Let alone slept in the closet? We expect more of you, you have duties. As Sheriff and as our Savior." Snow said, causing Emma to grind her teeth.

Choosing not to speak Emma brushed past her. Needing coffee. There was no point in speaking, no one would ever be on her side. They hadn't been. She'd never get it right, she was a broken savior that was used to living her life behind the wheel. Not who they wanted her to be, and yet they kept trying to cram her into the box. They'd never do it any differently.

As she lied in her bed. Night after night. Staring up at the ceiling of Granny's inn. Emma did her best not to break, but each night she'd need that bottle. It was the only thing keeping her sane. Two weeks. Two weeks since Regina had caught her that first morning. Emma knew what she was doing was wrong.

However, the only thing keeping her from crashing around in the never ending waves of her life was that bottle she'd eventually drink at the end of the night. She'd taken to bringing her own coffee in a thermos. She knew Ruby smelled it, but she truly didn't care. Truthfully, she never had.

Falling further with each passing day where she just didn't live up to what everyone in the blasted town wanted of her. Her son, her parents, her 'friends', all the people she didn't fucking know but still thought they had the right - the power - to demand things of her. And they did. She was put on this earth, this realm, to save their asses.

A vessel. That's all she was. A living, breathing puppet for them to dictate and prance around like a pony. She was never going to be set free. Never have what she wanted. And the thing was. If Regina could just love her back she'd be okay. She'd stay, content in her little prison in the middle of nowhere trying to live up to everyone's expectations and bending to their whims, as long at the end of the night she got to hold the woman she loved and have her say that she was enough for her. Even if she never would be for anyone else.

So. She drank. Dying wasn't an option, but where did it ever say that she had to be sober? At that thought the woman chuckled. Thinking that if there was only some way that she could die, but leave her body functional so it could do as everyone demanded. So she could be free, even if her body wasn't.

Wishes were meaningless. Emma had wished for many things in her life, and they didn't come true. So she brought the bottle to her lips and watched the clock as she waited for the whiskey to take over and her eyes to shut. Waiting for morning where she'd shower, make coffee, dump whiskey in and head to work.

The days were on repeat. It was the same thing every day. She'd show up thermos in hand. Send a glare at Ruby when she dared to open her mouth. Skip breakfast. Rescue a cat on occasion. Snow would show up at lunch, beg her to return to the apartment and tell Emma how she was doing everything wrong.

Yelling would ensue. Emma would kick Snow out. Ruby would eat her lunch, and Emma would take a bite. Sometimes two. Then chuck the rest. Ruby would patrol, and Emma would drink from a flask and wonder what Regina was doing. Henry would stop in around four. Emma would make him leave within twenty minutes.

Ruby would leave at dinner time, and Emma would promise to eat. She never did. What use was food? She had no appetite. At nine she'd drop by and grab a fresh bottle of whatever she wanted that night, then head to the inn. Then she'd drink until she fell asleep, waking up when the alarm went off at six the next morning.

Patterns. That was what is was. Emma was struggling, but no one truly saw it. No one cared. Not about the woman who was there to give them what they wanted. All Emma heard was how she was a disappointing sheriff and savior.

It was like a noose. She didn't want to go on, but she was trying. Trying to do something - anything - to stay alive, but. That day the pattern broke. Snow brought Henry in and they joyously told her how Robin was going to ask Regina to marry him that night. That Henry was going to spend the weekend at the apartment.

Alone in the dark, the moon hidden behind black clouds. Emma stood staring out at the sky through her window. One arm against her, her head against her forearm. Gun at her hip. She knew her son would be safe, knew Regina would be okay. After all, she had her true love. Her destiny.

The invisible noose tightened around her neck. She couldn't wake up again. When she slept next she wanted to make sure it was the final time. Nature hated her. It would take her life, the so called villains couldn't kill her. Emma had no choice. Silently she used her right hand to release her weapon. She cocked it.

While she knew that guns were far from weightless, in that moment as she repositioned her arm against the window, staring out at the sky, head against her forearm, it felt like pure air in her hands. It felt like freedom, she could taste it on her tongue. She raised her right arm and pressed the barrel against her head. As she pulled the trigger she could almost swear she heard Regina screaming her name.

**A/N: I may, or may not, continue. Not totally sure at the moment. I sort of like this ending, kind of open? Like. Can Regina save her? Will Regina watch her die? Will Regina marry Robin? Or will the two main ladies see that they belong together? Anyway, hope you liked. Tell me what you thought if you have the time.  
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